[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
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There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
How to properly lift a body
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef