The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
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Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead