[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
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Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
When the stylist spins you back around