[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
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wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down