(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
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I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
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u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?