After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
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Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force