I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
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best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows