Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
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The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
LOL!
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket