After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
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Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Bike is short for Bichael.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.