Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
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Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*