@ImaFlyontheWall: After they got married she even put his truck nuts in a jar.
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@aka_fatman: Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway. Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident. Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
@jordanrubin: "We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair." -Every store ever
@Brenton_Rodgers: Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.