Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
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Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro