Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
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I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Challenge accepted.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
marvel comics have peaked
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Best table by far