The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
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Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
こいつ天才
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
never deleting this app.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.