@juliussharpe: After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I'd rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
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@thatdutchperson: Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms? Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks* *Spends night making balloon animals
@bridger_w: The general rule is that you shouldn't ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
@pointsymmetric: One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.