What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.