After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
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You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.