@Jazzzzzmina: After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
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@RidiculousSheri: *me looking at a police lineup* Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
@jakob_huber: "Still upset about earlier?" Yeah "So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal" I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
@mattsurely: [couch shopping] Wife: Eh, you married to it? *a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn't notices the couch's wedding ring*
@UNTRESOR: Dad, who's Daniel Day-Lewis? *Dad peers out the blinds* He could be anyone, son. *Mom starts weeping* He could be anyone.