After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
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A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
*watches the world burn*
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
estão todos miauvindo?
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
“We will wed,” I threatened
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.