After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
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When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!