Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
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If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
operators are standing by to ignore your call
These aliens are taking forever.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.