Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
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Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
True freaking story!
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.