After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
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Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
My dad teaching me to drive
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.