After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
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If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Doctors texting each other.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog