Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
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just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.