[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
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[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
This hospital has everything
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Barbie gone wild
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.