[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
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Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*