[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
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Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Story of my life…..
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?