After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
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Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.