Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
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Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
No regrets in 2018
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good