@ValeeGrrl: After years of marriage & kids I have no idea how I'd handle a 1st date. Just give him a juice box, crackers & an iPad? Do I bring coupons?
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@jake_likes_naps: [Ouija board] "Hey spirits, talk to us" W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E "fml"
@MafiaJoker78: *Leaves home for the day... *Fears I left something behind *Runs inside to see baby playing with my phone. *Grabs phone & leaves.
@MatCro: I'll never forget my grandad's last words on his deathbed. He said: "I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble..."
@RegularFred: Pizza is like racism. America didn't invent it, but it's hard to find a country that does it better.