I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
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it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
#NeverForget
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor