My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
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My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Florida man
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely