DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
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“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat