@BarebakAssassin: After you're done looking for true love on Twitter, you should go ride a unicorn around Atlantis, then eat some heart-healthy ice cream.
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@KyleMcDowell86: told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
@theshamingofjay: It's a good thing this video game is rated mature because it's going to be babysitting the kids tonight.
@TheRolo: Table for six please? "Is your party coming soon or?" [Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I'm going to need booster seats
@markleggett: A celebrity died? Better take this opportunity to tell everyone a very personal story about that one time you saw them eating falafel.