@BarebakAssassin: After you're done looking for true love on Twitter, you should go ride a unicorn around Atlantis, then eat some heart-healthy ice cream.
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@BillMc7: Restaurant Hostess: "Sorry about the wait." Me: "It's okay, you don't need to apologize for being overweight."
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: It's great having kids, isn't it? ME: Oh yeah, it's the best W: How long until they go to bed? ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds