Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
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*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit