@BarebakAssassin: After you're done looking for true love on Twitter, you should go ride a unicorn around Atlantis, then eat some heart-healthy ice cream.
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@tchrquotes: There's no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That's why it's called faith.
@thatUPSdude: My friend told me his wife talks a lot in her sleep "I know" was probably not the right answer
@KeetPotato: genie: "thats definitely your last wish?" me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] "yes" genie: "ok" our dog: "how can i talk all of a sudden?"
@david8hughes: [first day as detective] Me: looks like he was shot in the head Partner: any sign of forced entry? Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah