[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
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I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.