Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
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I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one