Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
You Might Also Like
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
he’s sick of your bullshit today
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.