Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
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Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.