Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
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I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
bears
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children