I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
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People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”