Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
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Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.