age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
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There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)