Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
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If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Incredible customer service.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.