Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
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” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
sliding into dms like
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.