Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
You Might Also Like
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.