Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
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sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.