age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
You Might Also Like
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.