age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
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[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
very niche meme I made
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!