Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
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I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica