Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
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Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
oh you wanna fight?!
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!