Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
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Thinking outside the box.. 😅
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law