Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
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Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
ok like just. call me at this point
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you