(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
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DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
meow
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
fixed it
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours